Since moving to San Antonio in October 2015, I have felt off. I haven't felt at home here. Not like I did in Montana. There was something about Montana...maybe it was owning a home, loving my job, friends and family, etc. San Antonio on the other hand...doesn't hold any of that for me. I do not love my job. I do not feel at home in my residence...its like this unsettledness that has been lingering.. and lingering. It is almost that I forgot who I was. I was working 60+ plus hours a week, plus training 8 to 10 hours for my Ironman 70.3. I wasn't enjoying anything I was doing. I was just trying to make it all fit and essentially going through the motions, not really invested but not uninvested either.
I had gone on this way until March 2017.
When my German Shepherd, Mongo, became ill very quickly it seemed like "my cup tipped over" spilling everything. I couldn't focus, eat, train, or even think with going into what I now know is called "anticipatory grief." Mongo was like my child...my best friend. He was by my side for ten years moving around the world and helped me grow up into the person I am today. When we put him down, I had no idea the effects that it would have on my life. His death led me to reevaluate how I was spending my time and where I was placing my energy. Was I happy? Feeling fulfilled? Am I being true to myself?
The answer to all of those questions was No. Simply no. The first major change I made was to change the date of my Ironman 70.3. I was going to need some time to come to grips with this loss and the hole I felt in my life. The second change I made was to this schedule that I had been keeping. I was not feeling fulfilled with the coaching in my life. I was not making an impact or learning. I was really just playing a disciplinarian role and not coaching. That was not what I signed up for. So, I cut back drastically. I know that I upset a lot of people by doing that but I would hope that they would see the greater picture. The kids needed someone who was invested in them and giving them what I could not: my attention. It is not that I didn't care... but at the end of an 15 or 16 hour day..all I wanted to do was GO HOME.
I have been in this schedule for a few months now and I am just starting to feel better. I believe that I am finally at the acceptance stage of grief and can start to engage in training again. What I am doing now is looking at who I am, where I want to be, and how to get there. I have decided to not stay and live a life that I am not happy in. I can not continue to personally destroy areas of my life that I feel unhappy in. I am going to take the leap of faith into the unknown to try and figure out how to get where I want to go and obtain fulfillment in those areas. How can I own my life again?
Stay Tuned to Thursday night when we engage in that first question: "Who Am I?"
--Lacy
